T. Boone Pickens Has Gone Mad, And Mike Gundy Hates Poon-Tang

Why is it that being an aging millionaire goes hand in hand with being a complete lunatic?

Here in Georgia, we are well aware of this phenomenon – as Ted Turner has been sipping crazy juice for quite some time.

Now it appears T. Boone Pickens is drinking from the same cup as Ted, as he recently predicted an Oklahoma State victory over Georgia by a score of 387-24.

Perhaps counting all those big bills has somehow affected his sense of perspective, or he may possibly be experiencing the final stages of Alzheimer’s… 

If Mr. Pickens likes to gamble, I would gladly like to bet a large sum of money against his 363 point spread.

In other Oklahoma State news, Mike Gundy is waging war against the age-old nemesis of all head football coaches – poon.

He recently commented on his teams focus to the Oklahoman Newspaper:

“You’ve got 19,000 students here. You’ve got a lot of cute girls out there. There’s a lot of things going on. Guys have to focus. We’re trying to reel them in.”

In an effort to re-focus his squad, Gundy has halted media access to the team until Aug. 31, the Monday of game week.

As for the co-eds, there’s no easy answer.

“There’s a lot of distractions right now,” Gundy said. “Because we can’t keep them in camp. They’re out there on campus. There’s a lot going on right now.

Keep up the good fight Mike Gundy. Do not allow that Oklahoma poon y’all are so famous for distract your boys from the stomping that awaits them on September 5th.

Personally, I think Gundy’s anxiety is totally unwarranted, as the Cowboys will probably be too busy imitating ‘Brokeback Mountain’ to let that evil poon distract them from the task at hand.

Drunken Coonasses Get Custom Bud Light Cans

Anheuser-Busch has made the decision to fill that empty void left in the LSU football experience by making purple and gold bud light cans available at stores surrounding the campus at Baton Rouge.

No longer will the LSU fan base be forced to endure drinking cheap tasting swill from cans emblazoned with Ole Miss colors, and will now be able to color coordinate their pimp costumes with their alcohol while performing their famous “You Suck C*ck” chant. 

While other schools threatened the beer maker with lawsuits should they perform the same marketing stunt with their school colors, good ol’ LSU refused to take such action.

Just keeping with the rich LSU tradition they are so famous for.

 

Cock Gets Beaten At South Carolina Night Club

Poor South Carolina… The season has yet to begin and they are already getting their a$$es handed to them.

Defensive end Clifton Geathers was charged with resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness after a taking part in a drunken brawl while “up in tha’ club” early Sunday morning.

According to the report, police arrived at the scene to find the 6’ 8″ 281 pound behemoth duking it out with Club Ice security in the parking lot, and had a hard time subduing him due to the fact the officers weren’t equipped with elephant tranquilizer guns.

Geathers will be suspended at least one game per university policy, and is rumored to possibly miss even more time due to injuries sustained in the scuffle. 

Julio Jones Goes Fishing For NCAA Violations

Wait a minute… I thought this entire story was just a rumor perpetuated by a bunch of idiot Auburn bloggers hell-bent on a mission to slander the Alabama football program?

Turns out, the collective wishful thinking of thousands of Auburn fans was enough to make this false allegation manifest itself into reality.

Yes – Julio Jones and Mark Ingram did in fact take a deep sea fishing charter completely free of charge; courtesy of a 55 year old Alabama resident by the name of Curtis Anderson.

Anderson claims to not be a fan of football and that he had “no idea” that the two young men played for the Tide. When he was informed of this fact he replied with a hearty “Whoopty-do”.

I find his story laughable – as it is common knowledge that every Alabama resident is forced to memorize the depth chart of all Crimson Tide national championship squads by the time they reach the age of three.

Mr. Anderson also refuses to discuss how he met the two players, and readily offers to “swear on the Bible” that they are just really good friends.

“He can DRINK! He can FISH! He can DRINK SOME MORE! Alabama Man-unhh!!!“

Nevertheless, the University of Alabama has instructed Mr. Anderson to cease contact with the two players (not because his actions violate any kind of NCAA rule prohibiting special privileges for athletes – but because a 55 year old man hanging out with two 19 year old guys is kind of creepy) and is reporting the details of their internal investigation to the NCAA.

Alabama Father Sacrifices Daughter To The Tide

Alabama sophomore linebacker Courtney Upshaw was arrested along with his girlfriend Kendall Grzyb on misdemeanor domestic violence charges Wednesday night, after an altercation in the parking lot of the Student Recreation Center on the Bammer campus.

Alabama Campus Police officer Sgt. Rusty Romine reported that he saw Upshaw chase down Grzyb and that he then -

“grabbed (Kendall) Grzyb by the back of the neck and hair with his right hand and pushed her downward in what appeared to be an attempt to push her to the ground.” 

The report goes on to say this little Polish hellcat freed herself from the evil Gump’s crimson embrace of pain and - 

“attempted to strike Upshaw about his face, however she was unable to make contact. Upshaw then grasped Grzyb’s right arm by the forearm, released and then pushed Grzyb away.”

 Both were booked into Tuscaloosa County Jail, held for  12-hours, and then released on bond.

(Her Facebook pictures are much more flattering)

The Mobile Press Register contacted the Kendall Grzyb’s father, Dave Grzyb about the incident, to which he commented -

 “I honestly think it was probably initiated by my daughter. I don’t think he laid a hand on her. He just tried to restrain her to keep from getting hit again.

TRANSLATION: “Do with my precious daughter what you will Crimson Tide football team. Have at her. The feelings I harbor for the precious little girl I raised is insignificant in comparison to my adoration for Alabama football. I know Upshaw is competing for a starting position at linebacker this year, and I would hate to know the fruit of my loins caused him to lose any playing time. Imagine what all my buddies I work with down at the lumber yard would think…”

Charges have been dropped by both parties, and word is there will be no suspension for Upshaw.

Color Me Shocked! NCAA Investigating Bryce Brown!!!

Heralded University of Tennessee freshman Bryce Brown is currently the subject of an ongoing NCAA investigation pertaining to his eligibility.

 The investigation revolves around several players, including Brown, and his “handler” Brian Butler.

Butler has already raised suspicions once before for charging ten bucks a pop to view information about players he “mentored” on his website PotentialPlayers.com…

Allegedly, Mr. Butler packed a bus full of young men and embarked on a magical adventure of college campuses including Florida, Florida State, Georgia, Ole Miss, and Oklahoma – all of which just so happen to have big-time football programs. 

Since the trip would have affected the player’s eligibility had it been made for athletic purposes, Mr. Butler worded the following quote to ESPN very carefully:

“We raised money for the trips with barbecues in front of Sam’s Clubs and Wal-Marts,” Butler told ESPN.com. “I called it an ‘academic tour.’ My intent was to broaden the minds of our young players.”

Yes… Broaden their minds…

I am confident this Butler fellow is a man of impeccable honor and unimpeachable integrity. I’m sure broadening the space between his a$$ and his back pocket had absolutely nothing to do with Mr. Butler’s awesome road trip on the magic bus.

Picture, if you will - Butler and Brown cavorting across the countryside, stopping at historical markers to pose for pictures, pausing on scenic byways to take in the beauty of the local flora and fauna while Mozart drifts calmly from the speakers of the PotentialPlayers.com meat wagon.

I’ll wager it was true educational experience for all those involved.

Could The Georgia Bulldogs Football Team Be Cursed?

The "Track People" - circa 1979

Sanford Stadium, home of the University of Georgia Bulldogs football team, and now, perhaps, home to the newest and possibly most sinister curse in all of organized sports.

Chicago has their billy goat. The Red Sox suffered under the voodoo of the Babe for decades. The latest sports team to fall victim to other worldly influences of bad luck could be the Georgia Bulldogs. Its shunned name is currently being circulated in hushed whispers amongst the Georgia faithful. It has become known as “The Curse of the Track People”.

In its early days, the east end zone of Sanford Stadium remained open and devoid of seating. This gaping hole created free seats atop the railroad tracks that ran directly across the street from the venue. In the 1970’s, hordes of drunken Dawg fans too rowdy and broke to gain admission enjoyed splendid vistas of Georgia football completely free of charge. The tracks eventually became so popular that fans would often show up early and camp out until game day in order to save a spot.

There were no “visitor’s seats” on the tracks. Opposing fans brave enough to venture near the area were met with raging hatred and alcohol-fueled violence. The Track People were sloshed warriors of the Bulldog Nation, sworn by blood and steel to protect and defend her at all costs.

As a 5-year-old in 1980, I saw firsthand what the tracks were all about when two Track People fought like rabid pit bulls over the affections of a young lady on a hot afternoon. The incident ended up costing my parents hefty fees for my therapy sessions later in life, yet I still look back on that moment with beaming pride.       

“It was kind of like the Manson Family,” states William “Skeeter” Carmichael, a former Track Person, “except with football!”

“We’d see some beady-eyed bunch of Tennessee fans walking down near the street level, and then everybody would just start chucking our empties at them from up high on the tracks” says Roger Yearwood, who hung out on the tracks from 1974-80, “I split some Tech fan’s head wide open one year from darn near 150 feet! He said he’d never wear red. Well, I changed the color of his shirt for him.”   

A camaraderie of sorts developed among the frequent revelers, and a tradition had been born.

This letter—written prior to the 1980 season by legendary Georgia Icon Erk Russell to his defensive linemen—specifically mentions the “Track People.”

Gentlemen: (linemen) The football season of ‘80 will be my seventeenth as a Georgia Bulldog. During this time there have been many thrilling Saturdays of competition, each with its individual memories, because each game has its own personality.

There are two Saturday traditions and experiences which have remained basically the same throughout the years for me and I would like to share them with you.

The first one concerns the RAILROAD TRACK CROWD. These are my people because they love the Dogs almost as much as I do. Oh, I know they do some crazy things- like turn over our opponent’s buses sometimes and now and then they throw one another down the bank and into the street below. But they stamp out Kudzu and they pull for us to win and that ain’t bad. If you can get off the bus to cheers of THE RAILROAD TRACK CROWD and walk down those steps to the dressing room and not be inspired to play football as best you possibly can, something important is missing beneath the Georgia jersey you wear. It is impossible not to be inspired. They choke me up!

The season of 1980 will be the last for THE RAILROAD TRACK CROWD. A great Georgia tradition will have passed with the new addition to our stadium. The view from the tracks will be no more.

Your team will be the last Georgia Team to be greeted and cheered by the RAILROAD TRACK CROWD. Wouldn’t it be fitting if their last team was also the best Georgia Team ever? Think about it!

Another Saturday tradition which has meant so much to me over the years can be stated very simply. “THERE AIN’T NOTHING LIKE BEING A BULLDOG ON SATURDAY NIGHT—–AFTER WINNING A FOOTBALL GAME.” I mean like whipping Tennessee’s ass to start with, then ten more and then another one.

This is the game plan. We have no alternate plan.

Sincerely, Erk Russell

Old Erk may have been a huge fan of the folks on the tracks, but every Track Person I have spoken to agreed that the UGA fan who most embodied the spirit of the group was a man by the name of Rusty McKay. Rusty had been watching Georgia games from the tracks longer than anyone could remember, and he almost never missed a Saturday in Athens on the tracks with “his folk.”

He claimed to have attended the university briefly in his youth, but had spent the majority of his days serving in the Merchant Marine, until he was finally forced to retire after he suffered a knee injury in Haiti stumbling out of a cathouse. Rarely was he ever spotted wearing any color other than Bulldog red, and he has been credited with having printing the first foam trucker hat that read “Herschel for Heisman” in September of 1980.

He was a true Georgia fan and a decent man by all accounts, although it is widely acknowledged by those close to him that he had an ongoing problem with alcohol. More than one Track Person I interviewed for this piece described him as “The type of guy you would want on your side in a bar brawl.” Many also stated his fondness for taking stray cats into his Tibbets Drive residence.

After the miracle season of 1980, when Herschel Walker and the Bulldogs rocked the world of college football by claiming the national championship with a perfect season, friends recall Rusty’s demeanor as strangely melancholy. When asked why his mood was so somber, given the fact the his beloved Dawgs were now champions, Rusty would ramble on wildly about how the University had “finally done him in” by deciding to close off the east end zone and install more seating, effectively blocking his free view of the Georgia games forever.

He complained even more that all the friendships he had spent so many Saturdays forging over cold beers and Dawg talk would now be lost. A few close friends became concerned about his mental state, so they took up a collection to purchase him 1981 season tickets, taking great care to reserve seats high atop the new east end bleachers in order to try and replicate the view he had witnessed from the tracks for so many years. But it was no use, Rusty refused to accept them, and his pitiful condition only grew worse as the months passed.

The last time he was seen alive was a hot summer night in 1981. Witnesses state that Rusty staggered out of TK Hardy’s Saloon at sometime around 11 p.m. on Thursday, July 17. He was found dead late the next day on the tracks, right in his old spot where he had enjoyed so many free games, an empty bottle of Wild Irish Rose by his side.

Rumors circulated that his eyes were wide open—still gazing at the back side of the newly erected bleachers that had blocked his view and driven him to this horrible fate. It is said that one of his hands, in the first stages of rigor mortis, defiantly extended its middle finger upward toward the stadium. The other hand reportedly clutched in its grasp a crumpled piece of paper, across which was scrawled the words—

The Track People will have their revenge! The Curse of The Track People is upon you! No more national championships for you guys!

Up yours jerks.

Rusty McKay

Rusty was resting deep in the Georgia clay before the start of the 1981 season. The Track People all drifted back to places like the carnival and the various correctional facilities from which they came. And though the Bulldogs have had many a great season since Rusty’s passing, they have never achieved what they did the last magical year the Track People cheered them to supreme victory.

Is the “Curse of the Track People” for real? Is a human sacrifice in order to appease Rusty’s restless spirit? Is a supernatural entity reaching out from beyond the grave to prevent another national championship for UGA? Who can say for sure?

My enduring hope, as a Georgia fan, is that one day the university will pay some sort of penance to old Rusty, perhaps by foregoing the extra money these cursed seats generate by ripping them out permanently, opening a view for all the Track People of this great state, thereby allowing the Dawgs to once again claim a national title. Until that act of cleansing takes place, I fear many dark days are ahead for the University of Georgia football program.

Long live the Track People…

Note: This is one of two articles I previously published at Bleacher Report, and I decided to move it here. I am not plagiarizing myself.

Degenerate Gambler Alert! UGA a 6 Point Dog at Okie State!

The odds makers in Sin City, USA have moved the line on Georgia’s season opener at Oklahoma State from 3 to 6, further enraging the rabid, foaming at the mouth, road Dawgs of UGA.

Dawg Day Afternoon’s newly acquired, in-house gambling consultant “Diamond” Mike, AKA: “The Crab” had this to say about the movement of the line -

 

DDA – Hey Crab! What’s going on? Did you hear Vegas moved the line to minus 6 on the Dawgs opener?

CRAB – Bull$hit.

DDA – No, really. They are a 6 point underdog now.

CRAB – There must have been some really heavy action on one side, and now Vegas is trying to draw some more money to the other side.

DDA – So what do you think?

CRAB – Bet on Georgia.

DDA – Why?

CRAB – Well, Richt is 7-1 as a road dog, plus he’s 30-4 straight up on the road. If I owned a deed to a farm I would put it on this game. It’s about as safe as you can get. Oklahoma State is getting a lot of love from the media right now, but they still have yet to show me something in big games. Plus, the defense UGA will be fielding is going to be a completely different animal than the one you saw last year. They have a lot of guys coming back from injury. Also, Richt usually does a good job getting his team ready for the opener. Remember the last time he went up to Clemson?

DDA – Oh yeah, I remember. I really appreciate the input.

CRAB – Hey, you got that money you owe me from last season? I’ve given you plenty of time to get squared away. I’m not in this for my health, you know?

DDA – What? kkkkssshhhzzzz – You’re breaking up! kkkkkssshhhzzzz – Terrible cell service! Gotta go! *click*

 

We will be checking in with Crab weekly for a new segment where “Diamond” Mike breaks down his top 5 CFB picks.  I may have to make a run to the hock shop in order to “get right” with him, but this heirloom broche passed down from my great-great grandmother should yield enough to get me back in his good graces again. With any luck, he will be more than happy to participate.

So, in keeping with the Road Warrior theme of this post, I leave you with this Mad Max montage set to the tune of Motorhead’s classic ‘The Ace of Spades’. It’s the only card to play – if you want to gamble…

 

10 Signs That Prove Tim Tebow is the Antichrist

 

After careful research, I have uncovered some shocking parallels to Tim Tebow and the Antichrist of the Christian faith.

I know some of this may be hard for you to believe, but that is precisely what the dark lord wants you to do – doubt his very existence.

If any Florida players happen to be reading this post, I suggest next time you are in the shower with Timmy that a group of you pin him to the floor and look behind his right ear for the mark of the beast – “666″ should be noticeable just under the hairline. Be very cautious in doing so, as this child of Lucifer can summon demonic Rotwielers with his very thoughts.

Let’s begin, shall we?

 

1. He will rise from obscurity

Tebow came from hacking away at foreskins in a sweltering Phillipino jungle to take the world of college football by storm.

2. He will speak boastfully

His boastful words have already been immortalized on a plaque at the swamp.

3. He will subdue three kings

Bowden, Saban, and Stoops all were subdued in sucession in the last 3 games he played last season.

4. He will oppress the saints and be successful for 3 ½ years

He has brutalized his opponents for three full seasons, leaving him at least half a season before he is twarted by the forces of the righteous. The “saints” in question surely represent Coach Richt and his staff.

5.  He will not answer to a higher earthly authority; “He will do as he pleases”

Tebow answers to no one, and has “done as he pleases” with SEC defenses for two solid years.

6. He will claim to be God

Observe this quote from Tebow – “I may be the only Jesus that they (people) see.”

7. He will have “no regard for the desire of women”

Tebow professed himself a virgin at the recent SEC Media Days.

8. His arrival on the world scene will be accompanied by miracles, signs and wonders

As if the title Spurrier brought to Gainesville wasn’t enough of an abomination, what was once the lowly college football program of Florida has been bestowed with 2 National Championships in the last three years. If you can remember past the year 1990, this feat is truly miraculous.

9. He will be worshipped by many people

His popularity has spread far beyond the confines of the swamp, he is not only blindly worshipped by the Gator Nation, but by most of the country and the entire news media as well.

10.   He will be empowered by the devil himself 

“The devil” you say? Two words – Urban Meyer.

 

Anyone who sees these signs as mere coincidence is fooling themselves. Make no mistake – Tim Tebow is evil personified and must be stopped at all costs. We have been lulled to sleep and deceived by his façade, and have but one last season of football with which to turn back this tide of wretchedness before it engulfs our planet in fiery chaos!

Repent now and cease this worship of the false prophet lest ye perish for all eternity in the lake of fire!

A Day in the Life of an Alabama Fan

8:09 AM - Rolls out of bed. Stretches and yawns in his hounds tooth pajamas.

8:15 AM - Considers brushing the few teeth in his head, decides against doing so – again.

9:05 AM - Walks to the mailbox to collect his mental health welfare check.

9:27 AM - Disassembles and cleans his sniper rifle. Recites the Bama “chain of command” out loud, beginning with the “Eternal Leader” Bear and ending with himself.

9:45 AM - Lights candles and incense, begins prayer vigil at homemade Bear Bryant shrine.

10:45 AM - Curses those damn voices in his head.

11:17 AM - Steals neighbor’s kitten, feeds it to his pit bull.

11:38 AM - Logs on to a UGA message board. Babbles incoherently about actually managing to beat Georgia last year, even though deep down he knows the NCAA will force the win to be vacated in the near future.

11:52 AM - Attacks Mormon who shows up at his door doing missionary work. Gets his a$$ kicked by Mormon. Wonders why Mormons have such power over Bammers. Briefly considers converting to the Church of Latter Day Saints, but decides against doing so, as the picture of the Bear in the shrine seems to be staring at him angrily.

12:28 PM - Uses leftover kitten meat on his black eye to reduce swelling.

12:52 PM - Stalks Julio Jones on Facebook, offers to “please him”.

1:26 PM - Loudly screams the “Rammer Jammer” chant for a half hour. The Auburn fan old lady next door threatens to again call the cops, at which point he screams through the wall that she attended a cow college and he enjoyed getting Tubs fired.

2:11 PM - Writes Mikey Henderson another threatening letter.

2:41 PM - Attempts to read 2nd grade level grammar and composition textbook.

3:35 PM - Refuses to answer the door when his parents visit. Crouches in corner clutching teddy bear with hounds tooth hat until they finally leave.

4:48 PM - Watches his VHS tape of the 2008 UA/UGA game. Firmly tweaks his nipples to the images of the Tide’s greatest victory in God know how long.

5:15 PM - Crushes Pabst Blue Ribbon cans on his back porch to send as a donation to the Tide Booster Club.  

6:07 PM - Eats one can of Van Camp’s Pork and Beans, and one can Vienna sausages.

6:43 PM - Receives a certified letter containing a restraining order from the university athletic department.

7:17 PM - Has a “vision” of the Bear accompanied by Ken “The Snake” Stabler and “Broadway” Joe Namath. They are surrounded by a blue aura much like Annakin, Obi Wan, and Yoda in the last scene of Return of the Jedi.

8:57 PM - Wakes up in floor in puddle of his own waste, partially blinded from the vision of the “Holy Trinity” – suffers crushing headache and signs of stigmata.

9:13 PM - Stares at photo of Phillip Fulmer and Tommy Tuberville while laughing uncontrollably for nearly half an hour.

9:46 PM - Makes his way to the basement of his home along with his pet pit bull.

9:52 PM - Lowers a basket containing a bottle of Skin So Soft into the well in his basement, where he is holding a female Georgia fan. Demands that she “Puts the lotion on its skin!”

10:08 PM - Tucks his junk in between his legs and dances nude (save for a crimson colored football helmet purchased at Dollar General) in front of a mirror to the tune of Goodbye Horses.

10:37 PM - Consumes bottle of Night Train.

10:43 PM - Hand washes his “National Recruiting Champions” tee shirt in the sink with distilled water and Woolite.

11:31 PM - Plays with custom made five foot tall Nick Saban blow up doll.

11:45 PM - Off to bed, dreams of future “Bama dominance” fill his little mind.